I Love Jesus, But I Want to Die

I Love Jesus, But I Want to Die: Finding Hope in the Darkness of Depression by Sarah J. Robinson is a necessary read for anyone who struggles with depression, anxiety, or mental health or knows someone who is.  It is especially necessary for those in the church who minister to those in need or are in a leadership position. 

Sarah shares her experience with severe depression and the journey she has taken to find contentment and peace.  Her story is powerful, insightful, and full of compassion and strength as she truly desires to use her story and journey to help others.  

Sarah’s story is split into three sections: Dying, Surviving, and Thriving.  In her struggles early on, she experienced a church that was not equipped to handle mental illness nor were the responses particularly helpful.  Sarah, like many, was told her troubles were a result of her lack of faith, that she needed to choose joy, to get over it, or pray more.  Unfortunately, many do not view mental illness like diabetes, cancer, or any other disease.   

“You are not a bad Christian for toiling under the crushing weight of depression.  Mental illness is not a failure of faith or evidence of a flimsy prayer life.  It’s simply a common part of the human condition, one that many people will experience” (11). 

In the second section, she shares how her relationship with the Lord grew as she gained understanding.  She writes “God is often more concerned with helping us walk through suffering with him than immediately delivering us from it...instead of looking for answers, we must learn to look for the God who sees, who stays, who refuses to leave...remember that even if the kindness of God doesn’t feel true at the moment, it still is” (96-97).   Sarah learned that the darkness she experiences may never leave, but she can rest on the truth that God will never her and will be with her.  “...healthy acceptance of chronic illness requires faith that God will walk with us through the struggle for as long as it takes” (108).  

In the third section, Sarah writes about the therapy and methods that have worked for her to begin Thriving in life.  She is candid about the dark days she still experiences but has learned to set boundaries and care for herself.  Her story is one of strength and hope as she relies on God for each day.  

Lastly, Sarah does give trigger warnings in various sections as she discusses the suicidal thoughts she had and parts of her journals are reproduced.  In my view, she did an excellent job sharing her journey and testimony of God’s goodness to bring hope to those who may also suffer or know those who are.   

As someone who has only dealt with seasons of anxiety, Sarah’s story allowed me an even greater glimpse into depression and mental illness that gives me a greater perspective for compassion and tools for assisting those I know and myself.  There is much to glean from Sarah’s story.